Ayala's Angel, by Anthony Trollope

Chapter 25

“You are Not he”

Ayala had been a week at Stalham, and according to the understanding which had existed she should now have returned to Kingsbury Crescent. She had come for a week, and she had had her week. Oh, what a week it had been, so thoroughly happy, without a cloud, filled full with ecstatic pleasures! Jonathan Stubbs had become to her the pleasantest of friends. Lady Albury had covered her with caresses and little presents. Nina was the most perfect of friends. Sir Harry had never been cross, except for that one moment in the wood. And as for Sprite — Sprite had nearly realised her idea of an Angel of Light. Oh, how happy she had been! She was to return on the Monday, having thus comprised two Sundays within her elongated week. She knew that her heaven was to be at an end; but she was grateful, and was determined in her gratitude to be happy and cheerful to the close. But early on this Sunday morning Colonel Stubbs spoke a word to Lady Albury. “That little girl is so thoroughly happy here. Cannot you prolong it for her just for another three days?”

“Is it to be for her — or for Colonel Stubbs, who is enamoured of the little girl?” asked Lady Albury.

“For both,” said the Colonel, rather gravely.

“Are you in earnest?”

“What do you call in earnest? I do love to see a pretty creature enjoy herself thoroughly as she does. If you will make her stay till Thursday Albury will let her ride the little horse again at Star Cross on Wednesday.

“Of course she shall stay — all the season if you wish it. She is indeed a happy girl if you are in earnest.”

Then it was settled, and Lady Albury in her happiest manner informed Ayala that she was not to be allowed to take her departure till after she had ridden Sprite once again. “Sir Harry says that you have given the little horse quite a name, and that you must finish off his character for him at Star Cross.” As was the heart of the Peri when the gate of Paradise was opened for her so was the heart of Ayala. There were to be four days, with the fourth as a hunting day, before she need think of going! There was an eternity of bliss before her.

“But Aunt Margaret!” she said, not, however, doubting for a moment that she would stay. Who cares for a frowning aunt at the distance of an eternity. I fear that in the ecstasy of her joy she had forgotten the promise made, that she would always remember her aunt’s goodness to her. “I will write a note to Mrs Dosett, and make it all straight,” said Lady Albury. The note was written, and, whether matters were straight or crooked at Kingsbury Crescent, Ayala remained at Albury.

Colonel Stubbs had thought about the matter, and determined that he was quite in earnest. He had, he told himself, enough for modest living — for modest living without poverty. More would come to him when old General Stubbs, his uncle, should die. The general was already past seventy. What was the use of independence if he could not allow himself to have the girl whom he really loved? Had any human being so perfectly lovely as Ayala ever flashed before his eyes before? Was there ever a sweeter voice heard from a woman’s mouth? And then all her little ways and motions — her very tricks — how full of charm they were! When she would open her eyes and nod her head, and pout with her lips, he would declare to himself that he could no longer live without her. And then every word that fell from her lips seemed to have something in it of pretty humour. In fact the Colonel was in love, and had now resolved that he would give way to his love in spite of his aunt, the Marchesa, and in spite of his own philosophy.

He felt by no means sure of success, but yet he thought that he might succeed. From the moment in which, as the reader may remember, he had accosted her at the ball, and desired her to dance with him in obedience to his aunt’s behests, it had been understood by everyone around him that Ayala had liked him. They had become fast friends. Ayala allowed him to do many little things which, by some feminine instinct of her own, would have been put altogether beyond the reach of Captain Batsby. The Colonel knew all this, and knew at the same time that he should not trust to it only. But still he could not but trust to it in some degree. Lady Albury had told him that Ayala would be a happy girl if he were in earnest, and he himself was well aware of Ayala’s dependent position, and of the discomforts of Kingsbury Crescent. Ayala had spoken quite openly to him of Kingsbury Crescent as to a confidential friend. But on all that he did not lean much as being in his favour. He could understand that such a girl as Ayala would not accept a husband merely with the object of avoiding domestic poverty. Little qualms of doubt came upon him as he remembered the nature of the girl, so that he confessed to himself that Lady Albury knew nothing about it. But, nevertheless, he hoped. His red hair and his ugly face had never yet stood against him among the women with whom he had lived. He had been taught by popularity to think himself a popular man — and then Ayala had shown so many signs of her friendship!

There was shooting on Saturday, and he went out with the shooters, saying nothing to anyone of an intended early return; but at three o’clock he was back at the house. Then he found that Ayala was out in the carriage, and he waited. He sat in the library pretending to read, till he heard the sounds of the carriage wheels, and then he met the ladies in the hall. “Are they all home from shooting?” asked Lady Albury. The Colonel explained that no one was home but himself. He had missed three cock-pheasants running, and had then come away in disgust. “I am the most ignominious creature in existence,” he said laughing; “one day I tumble into a ditch three feet wide — ”

“It was ten yards at least,” said Nina, jealous as to the glory of her jump.

“And today I cannot hit a bird. I shall take to writing a book and leave the severer pursuit of sport to more enterprising persons.” Then suddenly turning round he said to Ayala, “Are you good-natured enough to come and take a walk with me in the shrubbery?”

Ayala, taken somewhat by surprise at the request, looked up into Lady Albury’s face. “Go with him, my dear, if you are not tired,” said Lady Albury. “He deserves consolation after all his good deeds to you.” Ayala still doubted. Though she was on terms of pleasant friendship with the man, yet she felt almost awestruck at this sudden request that she should walk alone with him. But not to do so, especially after Lady Albury’s injunction, would have been peculiar. She certainly was not tired and had such a walk come naturally it would have been an additional pleasure to her; but now, though she went she hesitated, and showed her hesitation.

“Are you afraid to come with me?” he said, as soon as they were out on the gravel together.

“Afraid! Oh, dear no, I should not be afraid to go anywhere with you, I think; only it seems odd that you did not ask Nina too.”

“Shall I tell you why?”

“Why was it?”

“Because I have something to say to you which I do not wish Nina to hear just at this moment. And then I thought that we were such friends that you would not mind coming with me.”

“Of course we are,” said Ayala.

“I don’t know why it should be so, but I seem to have known you years instead of days.”

“Perhaps that is because you knew papa.”

“More likely because I have learnt to know your papa’s daughter.”

“Do you mean Lucy?”

“I mean Ayala.”

“That is saying the same thing twice over. You know me because you know me.”

“Just that. How long do you suppose I have known that Mrs Gregory, who sat opposite to us yesterday?”

“How can I tell?”

“Just fifteen years. I was going to Harrow when she came as a young girl to stay with my mother. Her people and my people had known each other for the last fifty years. Since that I have seen her constantly, and of course we are very intimate.”

“I suppose so.”

“I know as much about her after all that as if we had lived in two different hemispheres and couldn’t speak a word of each other’s language. There isn’t a thought or a feeling in common between us. I ask after her husband and her children, and then tell her it’s going to rain. She says something about the old General’s health, and then there is an end of everything between us. When next we meet we do it all over again.”

“How very uninteresting!” said Ayala.

“Very uninteresting. It is because there are so many Mrs Gregorys about that I like to go down to Drumcaller and live by myself. Perhaps you’re a Mrs Gregory to somebody.”

“Why should I be a Mrs Gregory? I don’t think I am at all like Mrs Gregory.”

“Not to me, Ayala.” Now she heard the Ayala, and felt something of what it meant. There had been moments at which she had almost disliked to hear him call her Miss Dormer; but now — now she wished that he had not called her Ayala. She strove to assume a serious expression of face, but having done so she could not dare to turn it up towards him. The glance of her little anger, if there was any, fell only upon the ground. “It is because you are to me a creature so essentially different from Mrs Gregory that I seem to know you so well. I never want to go to Drumcaller if you are near me — or, if I think of Drumcaller, it is that I might be there with you.”

“I am sure the place is very pretty, but I don’t suppose I shall ever see it.”

“Do you know about your sister and Mr Hamel?”

“Yes,” said Ayala, surprised. She has told me all about it. How do you know?”

“He was staying at Drumcaller — he and I together with no one else — when he went over to ask her. I never saw a man so happy as when he came back from Glenbogie. He had got all that he wanted in the world.”

“I do so love him because he loves her.”

“And I love her — because she loves you.”

“It is not the same, you know,” said Ayala, trying to think it all out.

“May I not love her?

“He is to be my brother. That’s why I love him. She can’t be your sister.” The poor girl, though she had tried to think it all out, had not thought very far.

“Can she not?” he said.

“Of course not. Lucy is to marry Mr Hamel.”

“And whom am I to marry?” Then she saw it all. “Ayala — Ayala — who is to be my wife?”

“I do not know,” she said — speaking with a gruff voice, but still in a whisper, with a manner altogether different — thinking how well it would be that she should be taken at once back into the house.

“Do you know whom I would fain have as my wife?” Then he felt that it behoved him to speak out plainly. He was already sure that she would not at once tell him that it should be as he would have it — that she would not instantly throw herself into his arms. But he must speak plainly to her, and then fight his cause as best he might. “Ayala, I have asked you to come out with me that I might ask you to be my wife. It is that that I did not wish Nina to hear at once. If you will put out your hand and say that it shall be so, Nina and all the world shall know it. I shall be as proud then as Hamel, and as happy — happier, I think. It seems to me that no one can love as I do now, Ayala; it has grown upon me from hour to hour as I have seen you. When I first took you away to that dance it was so already. Do you remember that night at the theatre — when I had come away from everything and striven so hard that I might be near to you before you went back to your home? Ayala, I loved you then so dearly — but not as I love you now. When I saw you riding away from me yesterday, when I could not get over the brook, I told myself that unless I might catch you at last, and have you all to myself, I could never again be happy. Do you remember when you stooped down and kissed that man’s baby at the farmhouse? Oh, Ayala, I thought then that if you would not be my wife — if you would not be my wife — I should never have wife, never should have baby, never should have home of my own.” She walked on by his side, listening, but she had not a word to say to him. It had been easy enough to her to reject and to rebuke and to scorn Tom Tringle, when he had persisted in his suit; but she knew not with what words to reject this man who stood so high in her estimation, who was in many respects so perfect, whom she so thoroughly liked — but whom, nevertheless she must reject. He was not the Angel of Light. There was nothing there of the azure wings upon which should soar the all but celestial being to whom she could condescend to give herself and her love. He was pleasant, good, friendly, kind-hearted — all that a friend or a brother should be; but he was not the Angel of Light. She was sure of that. She told herself that she was quite sure of it, as she walked beside him in silence along the path. “You know what I mean, Ayala, when I tell you that I love you,” he continued. But still she made no answer. “I have seen at last the one human being with whom I feel that I can be happy to spend my life, and, having seen her, I ask her to be my wife. The hope has been dwelling with me and growing since I first met you. Shall it be a vain hope? Ayala, may I still hope?”

“No,” she said, abruptly.

“Is that all?”

“It is all that I can say.”

“Is that one “no” to be the end of everything between us?”

“I don’t know what else I ought to say to you, Colonel Stubbs.”

“Do you mean that you can never love me?”

“Never,” she said.

“That is a hard word — and hardly friendly. Is there to be no more than one hard word between you and me? Though I did not venture to think that you could tell me that you loved me, I looked for something kinder, something gentler than that.” From such a sharp and waspish word as “no”, To pluck the sting!

Ayala did not know the lines I have quoted, but the idea conveyed in them was present clearly to her mind. She would fain have told him, had she known how to do so, that her heart was very gentle towards him, was very kind, gentle and kind as a sister’s — but that she could not love him, so as to become his wife. “You are not he — not he, not that Angel of Light, which must come to me, radiant with poetry, beautiful to the eye, full of all excellences of art, lifted above the earth by the qualities of his mind — such a one as must come to me if it be that I am ever to confess that I love. You are not he, and I cannot love you. But you shall be the next to him in my estimation, and you are already so dear to me that I would be tender to you, would be gentle — if only I knew how.” It was all there, clear enough in her mind, but she had not the words. “I don’t know what it is that I ought to say,” she exclaimed through her sobs.

“The truth, at any rate,” he answered sternly, but not the truth, half and half, after the fashion of some young ladies. Do not think that you should palter with the truth either because it may not be palatable to me, or seem decorous to yourself. To my happiness this matter is all important, and you are something to my happiness, if only because I have risked it on your love. Tell me — why cannot you love me?”

The altered tone of his voice, which now had in it something of severity, seemed to give her more power.

“It is because — “ Then she paused.

“Because why? Out with it, whatever it is. If it be something that a man may remedy I will remedy it. Do not fear to hurt me. Is it because I am ugly? That I cannot remedy.” She did not dare to tell him that it was so, but she looked up at him, not dissenting by any motion of her head. “Then God help me, for ugly I must remain.”

“It is not that only.”

“Is it because my name is Stubbs — Jonathan Stubbs?” Now she did assent, nodding her head at him. He had bade her tell him the truth, and she was so anxious to do as he bade her! “If it be so, Ayala, I must tell you that you are wrong — wrong and foolish; that you are carried away by a feeling of romance, which is a false romance. Far be it from me to say that I could make you happy, but I am sure that your happiness cannot be made and cannot be marred by such accidents as that. Do you think that my means are not sufficient?”

“No — no,” she cried; I know nothing of your means. If I could love you I would not condescend to ask — even to hear.”

“There is no other man, I think?”

“There is no other man.”

“But your imagination has depicted to you something grander than I am,” — then she assented quickly, turning round and nodding her head to him — “someone who shall better respond to that spirit of poetry which is within you?” Again she nodded her head approvingly, as though to assure him that now he knew the whole truth. “Then, Ayala, I must strive to soar till I can approach your dreams. But, if you dare to desire things which are really grand, do not allow yourself to be mean at the same time. Do not let the sound of a name move you, or I shall not believe in your aspirations. Now, shall I take you back to the house?”

Back to the house they went, and there was not another word spoken between them. By those last words of his she had felt herself to be rebuked. If it were possible that he could ask her again whether that sound, Jonathan Stubbs, had anything to do with it, she would let him know now, by some signal, that she no longer found a barrier in the name. But there were other barriers — barriers which he himself had not pretended to call vain. As to his ugliness, that he had confessed he could not remedy; calling on God to pity him because he was so. And as for that something grander which he had described, and for which her soul sighed, he had simply said that he would seek for it. She was sure that he would not find it. It was not to such as he that the something grander — which was to be the peculiar attribute of the Angel of Light — could be accorded. But he had owned that the something grander might exist.

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Last updated Tuesday, March 4, 2014 at 18:43